Well Reading Ninja's, I've come to my month off work over Xmas/New Year and I'm telling you, I've read so many great books but I've also come to a disturbing realisation with regards to my life... And I'm squarely placing the blame for my current state on the authors of military and Australian outback romances.
Mel A Rowe & Susan Stoker... I'm looking at you! And so many others.
Early in 2021 I made a HUGE change in my life and moved from small town, southeast Victoria to the red centre of Australia. Yes, I became an outback Ninja. I've always loved the outback and pre-covid would visit every year... It's my place to reset my mind and recharge my soul. Now if Aussie outback authors are to be believed, this is all that was needed for me to finally snag myself the perfect alpha, rugged man. You know the one. Quietly gazing over the red dirt, akubra on his head, blue heeler at his feet. Just waiting for little old book dorky me to roll into his tiny boondocks town, shake up his life and make his existence complete - just as he would make mine.
Now I'm not one to take chances. I like to overthink things and ensure all contingencies are prepared for. So naturally, I doubled down with another of my favourite tropes - thank you, Military romance authors. I not only moved to a tiny remote outback town, but I also landed myself a job on the local military base.
KA-CHING!!!!! SCORE! By literally doubling down on these two fantastic tropes, I was guaranteed a sexy man. He'd be alpha, sexy, commanding, piercing gaze that saw directly into my romance book-loving soul. He'd be in his military uniform by day and my bed and dreams by night. He'd spend his time doing things that got him hot and sweaty, with bulging muscles, a rippled six-pack and hopefully, possibly a best friend who was equally into me and willing to share. They'd both be uber professional on base, throwing heated looks my way when we crossed paths but always above all, maintaining that steely military control over themselves and me. Then on our time off, we'd be out in the desert, exploring nature, skinny dipping in billabongs (minus the local crocodiles), cooking over a campfire and getting dirty and sweaty in a swag made for... a few.
All this life needed, was me! According to all military and outback romances, those sexy men were just living their everyday lives, waiting, without even realising - for me. And trust me - I've waited long enough, and searched hard enough, for them. Just as any romance heroine does.
Well, dammit authors - I WANT MY MEN! I've been out here in the middle of nowhere for 8 months now, on a base full of men (where the median age is approximately 20 years too young for me) and NOTHING! NADA! Not a burning glance, not an invitation to share a billy of tea, not one tight ass in cammos with bulging biceps to wrap around me and respectfully disrespect me!
I GOT SCAMMED! So military and outback authors - I have a bone to pick with you. Damn you for making these men seem so real. Damn you for making it seem so easy. Damn you for raising my hopes only to crush them into the hot red sand. Especially you Mel Rowe, I know 'Elsie Creek' is nearby, I'm not far from Pine Creek and neither is your book town - surely you can magic up a man for me. And Susan Stoker... ok I'll admit, I'm not young, innocent and drop-dead sexy in a totally unconscious way - but I AM sassy. So I at least have one of the required attributes required to be saved and claimed by your heroes. Send me a crazy stalker and a military man to save me.
Authors, your books are way too real, You've broken my heart and crushed my spirit... I'm now officially primed for one of your heroes. So I dive back into your books, dream of a man in fatigues and celebrate the wonderful world authors set in my very own remote backyard.